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Losing Dad

I wrote this as I sat at my dad’s bedside on Saturday… Dad can barely wake now. He doesn’t know I’m in the room with him. Today is day 7 since he has eaten and he is only getting fluids when he takes his pills. That will stop soon too. This morning my sister could … Continue reading Losing Dad

Thanksgiving

How does one mentally prepare themselves for the last Thanksgiving they will ever have with their dad? 😪

Anticipatory Grief

On Saturday, I yelled at my dad. Like, really yelled at him, cursed at him. I guess grief is unpredictable like that. I’ve read about the stages of grief. What I didn’t know is that they don’t happen in order. My emotions bounce around from feeling anger to feeling numb to feeling devastation. And we’re … Continue reading Anticipatory Grief

Directionless

I have always been ambitious. I have been an over-achiever and perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been goal-oriented. I’ve always been working toward something – being the first in my family to get a college degree, getting a promotion, becoming debt free, running a business, getting in shape. In recent … Continue reading Directionless

Life Advice from Dad

I had really thought this blog would be different. I thought I’d write about life at home – the chickens and ducks and dogs. I thought I’d write about family recipes and encouraging messages. I thought I’d write about my weightloss journey and my philosophies on life. But it seems all I can write about … Continue reading Life Advice from Dad

Serenity

When losing a loved one, I sometimes wonder if it’s better when they go quickly, or when it’s expected. On one hand, I can only imagine the pain of suddenly losing someone, their being ripped from someone’s life in a moment’s notice. All of the questions that linger afterward. On the other hand, the emotional … Continue reading Serenity

The Hard Stuff

I told my therapist this today that I feel like a different person than I was at the beginning of the year. “How could you not be after everything you’ve been through this year?” she said. Sure, she’s right. But this doesn’t feel like me. I used to feel so optimistic and uplifting. I feel … Continue reading The Hard Stuff

Endings are hard.

Saturday was a really strange day. Generally, when you have to clear your parents’ house out, it’s after they’ve both passed. But I found myself on Saturday (with the help of family and my boyfriend) cleaning out my Dad’s house while he sits in a hospital that we don’t know if he will ever come … Continue reading Endings are hard.

Identity Crisis

Lately, my days feel filled to the brim. On the days I have Mia, I am up at 6:15 and out the door by 6:50 for the hour and 10 minute drive to and from her school. Work starts at 8:00 and has been remote since late March, but working from home isn’t the at-my-pace-lounge-on-the-couch-while-working … Continue reading Identity Crisis

The Confidence Complex

Lately, I have been feeling really insecure. Not in my relationship, but in who I am as a person. I feel so inadequate all the time. I have this self imposed, trauma based expectation to be perfect, and when I inevitably come up short on that expectation, I beat myself up. I am so afraid … Continue reading The Confidence Complex

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