Serenity

When losing a loved one, I sometimes wonder if it’s better when they go quickly, or when it’s expected.

On one hand, I can only imagine the pain of suddenly losing someone, their being ripped from someone’s life in a moment’s notice. All of the questions that linger afterward. On the other hand, the emotional whiplash of slowly losing a loved one is so taxing.

I am going through the latter..and it’s awful.

It is almost six months since Dad was sent to the hospital, and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. With Dawn’s death, COVID, homeschooling, job uncertainty, and a new relationship in between, it has almost brought me to my breaking point on several occasions.

After all of Dad’s stints in the hospital, I am fairly well-versed in medical jargon – kreatine, O2, and CO2 levels, congestive heart failure, ST, PT, OT, and a long list of others – but my eyes glazed over and my mind wandered today when they mentioned “palliative care”.

On one hand, I can’t bare the thought of Dad not recovering from this. Dad. MY dad. My Superman. My impermeable hero…. not going to make it? My mind can barely comprehend the words. And on the other hand, it hurts so badly to see him suffer.

Grief is fickle like that, I suppose. Cpmplete and utter despair that your loved one is gone. Relief that they’re no longer suffering. Guilt that you feel relief. Rinse and repeat.

I am not sure what the coming days and weeks hold for my dad. Just when we think we’ve gotten a handle on things, it changes again. We can barely keep up.

I continue to pray. I pray for strength to get through this. I pray for comfort and healing for my dad. I pray for serenity. I pray for this nightmare to be over.

When losing a loved one, I sometimes wonder if it’s better when they go quickly, or when it’s long and drawn out.

On one hand, I can only imagine the pain of suddenly losing someone, their being ripped from someone’s life in a moment’s notice. All of the questions that linger afterward. On the other hand, the emotional whiplash of slowly losing a loved one is so taxing.

I am going through the latter..and it’s awful.

It is almost six months since Dad was sent to the hospital, and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. With Dawn’s death, COVID, homeschooling, job uncertainty, and a new relationship in between, it has almost brought me to my breaking point on several occasions.

After all of Dad and Dawn’s stints in the hospital, I am fairly well-versed in medical jargon – kreatine, O2, and CO2 levels, congestive heart failure, ST, PT, OT, and a long list of others – but my eyes glazed over and my mind wandered today when they mentioned the term “palliative care”.

On one hand, I can’t bare the thought of Dad not recovering from this. Dad. MY dad. My Superman. My impermeable hero…. not going to make it? My mind can barely comprehend. And on the other hand, it hurts to see him suffer.

Grief is fickle like that, I suppose. Cpmplete and utter despair that your loved one is gone. Relief that they’re no longer suffering. Guilt that you feel relief. Rinse and repeat.

I am not sure what the coming days and weeks hold for my dad. Just when we think we’ve gotten a handle on things, it changes again. We can barely keep up.

I continue to pray. I pray for strength to get through this. I pray for comfort and healing for my dad. I pray for serenity. I pray for this nightmare to be over.

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