The Confidence Complex

Lately, I have been feeling really insecure. Not in my relationship, but in who I am as a person.

I feel so inadequate all the time. I have this self imposed, trauma based expectation to be perfect, and when I inevitably come up short on that expectation, I beat myself up.

I am so afraid of not being enough. Or of being too much.

I am afraid of judgment, so I water myself down into this middle of the road, vanilla version of myself.

I am afraid of being left by people, so instead of fighting to have my needs met, I lower my expectations and tell myself to NEED less. Need less and they will love you more.

Now, I completely understand the fundamental error of this way of thinking. Intellectually, I know there are several thought biases and unfounded opinions.

But that hasn’t seemed to help me in changing my thinking. In fact, nothing has.

Years of off and on therapy hasn’t done it. Journaling hasn’t done it. Self help books hasn’t done it. Am I a lost cause?

When I think about what I CAN do to increase my self esteem and confidence, only one thing comes to mind: lose weight.

Yet I know that without addressing the negative thinking, I will still be unhappy with myself, just a skinnier version of myself.

And I do want to feel better. I think I deserve it. I think the 5 year old innocent me, before hurt and trauma, SHE deserves it and I owe it to her to be the best version of myself.

I just don’t know how to do it.

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